Very Blah Indeed

So Valentine's Day was a bust. My boyfriend is so clueless sometimes. I wonder if he's ever had women around him. Well he has a mom and had a sister. I don't know about this boy sometimes. I was very angry with him yesterday. I told him he was stupid lol. But then I calmed down and apologized to him and told him I loved him and happy valentine's day. Then he stopped ignoring me; he's been ignoring me these past couple of days he's been back from pre-deployment training. But yeah we started talking.  Later that day my sister asked me if I got anything for Valentine's day so she could rub it in that I didn't. Instead of saying I got nothing I told her me and my boyfriend had a good conversation today....She said "aww!" I asked my boyfriend, "what should i say i got today?" and he said, "a ticket"
first off i was borderline kidding and wow that's awesome. Earlier that day i told him i wanted to see him before he deployed that i was willing to help pay expenses on his end or pay half on a plane ticket for me to go up there. So i didn't think i would get anything. He's not the romantic type so i wasn't expecting anything...that's horrible.

But now my dilemma is that is feel bad for being such a bitch to him these past couple of day, because he didn't have to buy me a plane ticket. sigh! what to do

New Year

Well we all know it is 2012 now. Can you believe it. I can't. I'm going to be 23 years old this year!!!! WOW! I am also graduating college with my Associates and moving out for the first time. I know I have a lot of post about how my boyfriend didn't express how he feels about me. After our almost break up in October everything has really changed in him. I'm not sure if I have become more understanding or he has become more affectionate. Either one, we are working hard for each other. Recently I was on the phone with him and we were saying goodbye before he left for Pre-Deployment training. I told him that I loved him. Then out of nowhere. I usually don't ask him if he loves me too, I did. And he said that he did love me. That was a very special moment. It made me feel like all these months with him were worth all the pain. I told him goodnight and to work hard.

He is currently out to sea. He will be deploying in March. Not sure when, but I'm not allowed to tell anyways. This time is going to be hard. But its going to be easy too. This will be our second deployment together. It won't be that bad. When he comes home I can go see him no problem because i was graced with a job finally. Honestly I have grown so much from knowing him. I am not that naive little kid anymore.

I have said countless times that I love him more than he knows. I think Scott knows. Maybe he's the one who loves me more than I know. This man is wonderful. He's the sunshine on the cloudy gloomy day. But enough about him. Lets talk about me!

I talked with my dad a while ago. He said when I come to california, he was going to help me get medical insurance so I wouldnt have to worry anymore. His wife would help me to get a job and set me up to be on my own. I was very pleased with this. Me and Scott haven't gotten to talk extensively about all this yet, but we are defiantly seeking moving in together soon. I am excited for myself. I have overcome so much in these pass couple years.

2012 is a New Year

My hopes

When I got a job I hoped it would make me happier. But it has only made me miserable.
when I went to school I hoped to make friends, but I feel isolated
when I moved to Georgia, I hoped I would be as successful as my family said i would be because the entire area is black orientated, but that was nothing but a lie to capture us.
I hoped when I got into this relationship i wouldnt get hurt, and I have not.
I hoped when i graduated college i would be happy, and I'm surely on that road.
i also hoped dinner would be there for me when i got off work, but instead there was cake....what kinda diabetic am i if i eat cake before dinner. sigh...

speaking of dinner I am starving. Guess when i'm done here i will go eat then take a nap...i got fucking work till midnight...again. as usual. damn thats sad. i say the usual and everyone knows midnight is the answer.

I have trouble keeping stress levels down. I need to look that up today.

Promises

Me and my boyfriend of a year and four months almost broke up because he misses me far more than i thought. I thought he was handling our relationship better than me. He says he misses me and is very lonely without me there. he wishes i was there with him and it breaks my fucking heart to hear him say that, knowing i cannot go. I don't have the money, i don't have a license nor am i done with school. it was so upsetting. I don't want to say i begged him to stay with me, but we were on the phone for a very long time talking about the pro's and how good he felt with me. i just don't understand how he could just throw in the towel when he cares so much about me! It really hurts

My boyfriend says he will continue to be with me. We only have a year till I'm moving over there with him. I am scared because of this. he would have easily thrown me away and for a reason that was entirely idiotic. But i know how he feels. I know that pain he's going through. I just want to be there for him when he is feeling lonely. He wouldn't admit to it, but he was crying that day. I could hear it in his voice. I just knew what he was saying was hurting him, that he didn't want to lose me; give me up. So i told him we weren't going to give up. We are going to try harder to make each other feel less lonely. Less frustrated, and more loved.

• We are going to call at least 2-3times a week
• write letters
• send care packages to each-other
• send gifts
• communicate better
• see each other more.
• and just try harder

I plan on buying him a promise ring to symbolize our struggle, our love, to always be faithful and remain friends no matter what. To know that when this long distance is over it will be a new beginning for us. And then it will mean something else. Maybe one day that promise ring can symbolize us getting married someday in the future.

I am in love with this man. I don't know what the future holds, but I know he has to be in it.

Today.

I am fucking freezing my ass off. ok thats not what i go online to say. My boyfriend is uncomfortable saying I love you back to me. Why the fuck is that?! he worries me a lot. i wish he would just say it to me and love me. I'm sure he loves me, but idk why it would be so hard for him to just...idk say it to me sometime. is it hard?

Didn't get on to vent either. I dont really have anything to blog about, but this band my boyfriend showed me. well showed everyone i just decided to look into them. Theyre call The Weeknd. I looooove their music, especially the song Wicked Games. that is all. ^^

Sweet!!

Well  today is the first day of work. a 4 to 8pm...my friend Grant is suppose to stop by and give me insulin so I don't die waiting for my insulin. UGH! And I told him I'd pay him for it. I guess that's fair, but I like free stuff. We might go out for a bite to eat. oops sorry mom lol. She made something for me to eat hahaha! I'll get to it when I get home I guess.


I am soooo flipping excited!!
That is all. Carry on =)

Plans

Well me and Scott have talked about closing the distance once and for all.

Goals

1. Get Driver's Liscence
2. Save money
3. Get a Scholarship
4. thats about it....oh! Tell my mom lol

  I am going to move in with him 2months after he gets back from deployment. =). we are getting a 2 bedroom apartment. I have to find a job out there. And learn my way around. I think it might be for the best if i take a year off from school and just work my booty off. I'm kinda liking that idea a lot more. I know I could be messing things up for myself, but you have to take chances sometimes....Right? I'm really scared. I shouldn't be because I think Scott and I work together pretty well. I don't think we will be breaking up anytime soon. if we do. ugh! I am fucked. Because I will have to stay in Virginia and finish school...wonder if  he'll let me live with him still if we do break up. But if we don't. I can finish school and we might possibly be getting married. =D lets hope for the later. I don't want my family to be rubbing my mistakes in my face. I know this is a big deal. Sigh! why couldn't he live in Georgia? after I'm done with college he might have orders to go somewhere else overseas.  sigh so much to think about. kinda scared