My hopes

When I got a job I hoped it would make me happier. But it has only made me miserable.
when I went to school I hoped to make friends, but I feel isolated
when I moved to Georgia, I hoped I would be as successful as my family said i would be because the entire area is black orientated, but that was nothing but a lie to capture us.
I hoped when I got into this relationship i wouldnt get hurt, and I have not.
I hoped when i graduated college i would be happy, and I'm surely on that road.
i also hoped dinner would be there for me when i got off work, but instead there was cake....what kinda diabetic am i if i eat cake before dinner. sigh...

speaking of dinner I am starving. Guess when i'm done here i will go eat then take a nap...i got fucking work till midnight...again. as usual. damn thats sad. i say the usual and everyone knows midnight is the answer.

I have trouble keeping stress levels down. I need to look that up today.

Promises

Me and my boyfriend of a year and four months almost broke up because he misses me far more than i thought. I thought he was handling our relationship better than me. He says he misses me and is very lonely without me there. he wishes i was there with him and it breaks my fucking heart to hear him say that, knowing i cannot go. I don't have the money, i don't have a license nor am i done with school. it was so upsetting. I don't want to say i begged him to stay with me, but we were on the phone for a very long time talking about the pro's and how good he felt with me. i just don't understand how he could just throw in the towel when he cares so much about me! It really hurts

My boyfriend says he will continue to be with me. We only have a year till I'm moving over there with him. I am scared because of this. he would have easily thrown me away and for a reason that was entirely idiotic. But i know how he feels. I know that pain he's going through. I just want to be there for him when he is feeling lonely. He wouldn't admit to it, but he was crying that day. I could hear it in his voice. I just knew what he was saying was hurting him, that he didn't want to lose me; give me up. So i told him we weren't going to give up. We are going to try harder to make each other feel less lonely. Less frustrated, and more loved.

• We are going to call at least 2-3times a week
• write letters
• send care packages to each-other
• send gifts
• communicate better
• see each other more.
• and just try harder

I plan on buying him a promise ring to symbolize our struggle, our love, to always be faithful and remain friends no matter what. To know that when this long distance is over it will be a new beginning for us. And then it will mean something else. Maybe one day that promise ring can symbolize us getting married someday in the future.

I am in love with this man. I don't know what the future holds, but I know he has to be in it.

Today.

I am fucking freezing my ass off. ok thats not what i go online to say. My boyfriend is uncomfortable saying I love you back to me. Why the fuck is that?! he worries me a lot. i wish he would just say it to me and love me. I'm sure he loves me, but idk why it would be so hard for him to just...idk say it to me sometime. is it hard?

Didn't get on to vent either. I dont really have anything to blog about, but this band my boyfriend showed me. well showed everyone i just decided to look into them. Theyre call The Weeknd. I looooove their music, especially the song Wicked Games. that is all. ^^

Sweet!!

Well  today is the first day of work. a 4 to 8pm...my friend Grant is suppose to stop by and give me insulin so I don't die waiting for my insulin. UGH! And I told him I'd pay him for it. I guess that's fair, but I like free stuff. We might go out for a bite to eat. oops sorry mom lol. She made something for me to eat hahaha! I'll get to it when I get home I guess.


I am soooo flipping excited!!
That is all. Carry on =)

Plans

Well me and Scott have talked about closing the distance once and for all.

Goals

1. Get Driver's Liscence
2. Save money
3. Get a Scholarship
4. thats about it....oh! Tell my mom lol

  I am going to move in with him 2months after he gets back from deployment. =). we are getting a 2 bedroom apartment. I have to find a job out there. And learn my way around. I think it might be for the best if i take a year off from school and just work my booty off. I'm kinda liking that idea a lot more. I know I could be messing things up for myself, but you have to take chances sometimes....Right? I'm really scared. I shouldn't be because I think Scott and I work together pretty well. I don't think we will be breaking up anytime soon. if we do. ugh! I am fucked. Because I will have to stay in Virginia and finish school...wonder if  he'll let me live with him still if we do break up. But if we don't. I can finish school and we might possibly be getting married. =D lets hope for the later. I don't want my family to be rubbing my mistakes in my face. I know this is a big deal. Sigh! why couldn't he live in Georgia? after I'm done with college he might have orders to go somewhere else overseas.  sigh so much to think about. kinda scared

He made me tear up today

Beautiful love song

This song is the most beautiful song Ive ever heard. And this is a song from my boyfriend. He tells me to listen to this. I love you too sweetie.

Sweet What Nots

Last night at 2am my boyfriend told me that he loved me. I will remember this always. we were talking to my friends on ventrilo for a while. and we were talking about everything about our trip.Then my bf started making fun of me. Hes like "you're in love with me, and you can help it. You wanna marry me." in his teasing voice. I said "so what =P you love me!"
He said "yeah, but youll probably never hear me say it."
I told him it was alright. then he went to explaining why he didnt like saying i love you. it was only for friends and family, saying that the words meant too much and the expectations with that came with that word was too much. Me and "RR" told him not to worry about it. That it was alright.

When we all said goodnight and got offline he called me. He was telling me goodnight and when we were getting off the phone he said that he loved me. and I said it back....then i giggled a little and we really said goodnight and hung up.

He told me it was hard for him to say and i told him when i first said it, it was hard for me too.

Passionate

[pash-uh-nit]

–adjective

1.

having, compelled by, or ruled by intense emotion or strong feeling; fervid: a passionate advocate of socialism.

2.

easily aroused to or influenced by sexual desire; ardently sensual.

3.

expressing, showing, or marked by intense or strong feeling; emotional: passionate language.

 –noun

1.

any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.

2.

strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.

3.

strong sexual desire; lust.

 

Synonyms
1.  excitable, emotional, impulsive, zealous. 1, 3, 4.  ardent, impassioned, excited, fervent, warm, enthusiastic, earnest, glowing, burning, fiery; animated, impetuous, violent. 5.  testy, choleric, hasty, short-tempered, fiery, hotheaded. 

I was described as passionate today. I truly am passionate about a lot of things. my future, my art, my friends, my family, my health and my love.  I am passionate about the man i love.

Basal Rate Testing

UGH! that's the only word to describe this. and it doesn't help that I'm looking at food porn. LMAO yeah i know. Bad Diabetic right?

I am trying to be a good diabetic and that is why i'm starting with my basal rate testing. I'm on a mission to get my A1C down to 6 like it was sooooo long ago. I was so proud of that number i have put myself to shame. I was the queen of my diabetes and now it controls me.

I'm also going to restock on test strips that aren't expired. OH YEAH!! I forgot i have great news! I have a job at Kroger's. I'm waiting for the drug test to come in and I'm going to call back in on Friday. Diabetes is expensive and I'm glad Ill finally have money to take care of myself better. That starts with not stressing, then getting the supplies i need, then getting the food i find acceptable, and then i will have time to exercise instead of trying to find a job and stressing myself out. Things will finally start lining up and getting better.

Tired

I am tired of not know wheather or not my boyfriend loves me. it is eating a hole in my chest. It is tearing me apart. His actions speak louder, his actions speak louder, but words speak the loudest! they are what i want to hear, wanted to hear for so long. I am yearning for him to say it to me. to mean it. to want me, to stop stringing me along.

honestly i dont know how long i can do this. what is so hard about telling someone how you feel? its not the end of the fucking world telling someone how you truly feel about them. even if it hurts. I would rather you not love me and i move on and find someone who can love me the way i deserve. Because i am a good person. I would do anything and everything for the man i love. nothing stops me from expressing myself to the person i love!! Nothing will stop me.

I love him more than he will know, more than anything on this earth. More than the air that fills these lungs.
i am so tired of feeling like i am the only one who cares about this relationship.

The song I'm goin to sing to him

lovin' you is hard
lovin' you is wonderful
when you're holdin' back
is it so impossible
tell me why
i try
to control what's on your mind
and you should be here
(here by my side)
you shouldn't be makin' me cry
(no making me cry)
noooo

so don't go sayin'
contemplatin'
that i'm better off alone
cuz you're amazing
you drive me crazy
when you gonna know
you're too proud to let it show
but i won't let you lie to yourself

you got it in your head
i was made for someone else
not you you you
it's a little late
you make all my dreams come true
tell me why
i try
to control what's on your mind
well you should be here by my side
(here by my side)
you shouldn't be makin' me cry
(no making me cry)
nooo

so don't go sayin'
contemplatin'
that i'm better off alone
cuz you're amazing
you drive me crazy
when you gonna know
you're too proud to let it show
well i won't let you lie to yourself

(no need to worry)
no need to worry
(im in no hurry)
i've got all the time in the world for you baby
(cuz when you're in my arms)
when you're in my arms
you're the feelin'
I'll keep on tellin' you 'til you believin'

so don't go sayin'
contemplatin'
that I'm better off alone
cuz you're amazing
you drive me crazy
when you gonna know
you're too proud to let it show
i won't let you lie to yourself

USS Enterprise

Thats the ship my boyfriend was on. They just made it home today and I couldn't be more excited, relieved and happy.

What i'm listening to now

I really love death cab for cutie. that is my all time favorite band.
I really have missed Scott more than anything. He is the air that i breathe. God do i love him. Today i am going to complete my quizzes so i can study. Saturday and Sunday i am babysitting...then my last week of school. Then i get to see my bf. I am happy. we have a lot of things to talk about. a lot!!

ARRRRGHHH!!! I need to learn two things desperately!!!

To sew; machine and hand. And to Knit. THOSE are the two things i really really really wanna learn so i can make myself cute clothes. I have patterns but no machine. ugh! I wanna do some creative stuffs now


Like this purse. Argh!


or this cute motif puse. :< i wanna make it

So tired

Well I've come to the conclusion that my boyfriend will have to beg me to have children. I hate kids guts with a flaming passion. I have babysitted for a 20hours in two days I am exhausted, cranky and I'm making that bitch pay me more money next weekend. Shuuu who she playin. her kids aint saints.


But besides that yay i made 35 bucks. next weekend. I'm asking for 60. especially since shes always working overtime. shes killin me.
Can't wait for my mini vacation. I'm just gonna laze around in the sun at the beach. LOL hope my boyfriend doesn't get burnt ^^ we joke that hes whiter than paper

today's date

My boyfriend will be home soon. I am truly excited about this. I am concerned that i might have fudged up by asking him for money, but its ok. I know i am just worried for no reason.
My day has been going alright. it started with me stressing and slowly the stress is going away because i'm talking about what is stressing me. I really hope i can get a job soon because i need to be able to take care of myself. I hate feeling like i'm a burden on anyone.


Today is the day i'm going to do something about my sad life. I'm going to make it happy somehow.

New pouch/clutches

I have been a crocheting machine. I am so happy with the finish products.

  This one i think is adorable. I love the red butterfly. To me that adds something to it.

This purse. IDK I just love it. LOL I love all the things i make.

overall I am happy with them. and the little bows make me smile LOL. They are currently for sale on my facebook page and soon to be esty. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Joys-Crochet/123781184366024

The 4th

Yet another holiday without you. Another day without you. I know its coming to an end, but i cant help but feel alone. I love you more than the atmosphere that keeps us in. You are my rainbow.
I am free because of what you do, because of what all service men do. Others will never know what we go through just to be happy. They don't understand the challenges. Don't understand how lonely we are when we see other couples enjoying each others company. They don't understand that we would long to touch, smell and hear each other.  They complain that hes home late, while i'm worried the date he'll be home will change again.


I am ranting. I miss my baby. And today on this 4th it means something to me. It makes me prideful. I am proud to be American because of the service men of our country. what they sacrifice when they go out there to protect us. I love you Scott more than you know.

Life's Little Surprises

Well I am waiting for the love of my life to finally say "I love you" and I am soooo excited for him to come home. Like beyond excited. I just want him to be home now.


While I'm mad crazy excited on the day of our anniversary, my friend Grant calls and I know something is up. I hear it all in his voice. He tells me he has cancer....Liver cancer and the survival rate for someone with liver cancer is scary. Not that many....We talk for a little while and he says "well I was just calling to say goodbye. I didnt mean to be here, then not be. You're a really sweet girl. The sweetest Ive ever met. Your boyfriend is the luckiest man in the world."

By now i'm choking back tears. I told him he had to be strong and that we couldnt say goodbye unless he was on is deathbed with tubes down his throat.....


......fast-forward to today.


My friend calls me. He says the doctor misdiagnosed him and he doesn't have cancer. OMG I am soooo happy. I would have missed him. I couldn't sleep last night because i was so worried about him. I have dark circles for nothing now. LOL
So life throws you curve balls. Hey i got this. Dip your knees, and make sure your feet are steady on the ground and BOW! hit that ball out the park =D

HOME RUN BITCHES! GUESS WHO WON THIS TIME!? me.

My FaceBook Page

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Joys-Crochet/123781184366024

New Clutch

I have made two clutch purses. =D I am selling them off of my facebook page. I'm actually having a good time making them. I made the clutch from a Japanese crochet pattern i found. And I am happy. I really like the blue one with the white motif sewed on to it. that's my favorite. I thought blue and brown would go great together and i was right. I have an eye for design. or at least my teachers say so.

Is it Petty?

Blah

The First and not the Last.

This is my first blog post. I want this to be a place i can express my ideas, my worries, my dreams and ask questions. =D i am sort of excited to have a blog. What wonderful things will i discover?

I will probably be using this to share recipes, patterns, show off my crochet, talk about school, my troubles finding work and my wonderful boyfriend. Well I guess i let you know what youre going to get yourself into if you follow my blog. =) hope someone likes it.