Monday, October 31, 2011

My hopes

When I got a job I hoped it would make me happier. But it has only made me miserable.
when I went to school I hoped to make friends, but I feel isolated
when I moved to Georgia, I hoped I would be as successful as my family said i would be because the entire area is black orientated, but that was nothing but a lie to capture us.
I hoped when I got into this relationship i wouldnt get hurt, and I have not.
I hoped when i graduated college i would be happy, and I'm surely on that road.
i also hoped dinner would be there for me when i got off work, but instead there was cake....what kinda diabetic am i if i eat cake before dinner. sigh...

speaking of dinner I am starving. Guess when i'm done here i will go eat then take a nap...i got fucking work till midnight...again. as usual. damn thats sad. i say the usual and everyone knows midnight is the answer.

I have trouble keeping stress levels down. I need to look that up today.

Saturday, October 29, 2011


Me and my boyfriend of a year and four months almost broke up because he misses me far more than i thought. I thought he was handling our relationship better than me. He says he misses me and is very lonely without me there. he wishes i was there with him and it breaks my fucking heart to hear him say that, knowing i cannot go. I don't have the money, i don't have a license nor am i done with school. it was so upsetting. I don't want to say i begged him to stay with me, but we were on the phone for a very long time talking about the pro's and how good he felt with me. i just don't understand how he could just throw in the towel when he cares so much about me! It really hurts

My boyfriend says he will continue to be with me. We only have a year till I'm moving over there with him. I am scared because of this. he would have easily thrown me away and for a reason that was entirely idiotic. But i know how he feels. I know that pain he's going through. I just want to be there for him when he is feeling lonely. He wouldn't admit to it, but he was crying that day. I could hear it in his voice. I just knew what he was saying was hurting him, that he didn't want to lose me; give me up. So i told him we weren't going to give up. We are going to try harder to make each other feel less lonely. Less frustrated, and more loved.

  • We are going to call at least 2-3times a week
  • write letters
  • send care packages to each-other
  • send gifts
  • communicate better
  • see each other more.
  • and just try harder
I plan on buying him a promise ring to symbolize our struggle, our love, to always be faithful and remain friends no matter what. To know that when this long distance is over it will be a new beginning for us. And then it will mean something else. Maybe one day that promise ring can symbolize us getting married someday in the future.

I am in love with this man. I don't know what the future holds, but I know he has to be in it.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


I am fucking freezing my ass off. ok thats not what i go online to say. My boyfriend is uncomfortable saying I love you back to me. Why the fuck is that?! he worries me a lot. i wish he would just say it to me and love me. I'm sure he loves me, but idk why it would be so hard for him to just...idk say it to me sometime. is it hard?

Didn't get on to vent either. I dont really have anything to blog about, but this band my boyfriend showed me. well showed everyone i just decided to look into them. Theyre call The Weeknd. I looooove their music, especially the song Wicked Games. that is all. ^^